Saturday, February 21, 2015

0tak sedang ting~tong

Aku.apa yang perlu aku lakukan.apa yang ingin aku lakukan.apa yang aku perlukan.aku pun tak tau. Arghh, kusut dan berat fikiran yang aku rasakan. Berdepan dengan reality yang tak pasti ataupun itu kifarah dosa buatku. Ampunkan aku ya Allah. Mungkin akhirnya perbuatanku dulu menjerat diri sendiri kini. Adakah benar seperti yang dibaca suatu ketika dahulu. Semakin dekat seseorang kepada Allah, semakin dekat juga hatinya pada pasangannya. Dulu aku yang merakan sebaliknya, tapi kini, dia yang sedang mengalami itu aku jangka. Sejak kembalinya dia di situ, semakin lain semuanya. Tidak ku pasti. Adakah hanya mainan perasaanku ataupun benar2 terjadi. Dia yang berubah secara mendadak membuatkan aku berfikir, inilah permualaan untuk pengakhiran hubungan ini. Perasaan dan keadaan yang sama seperti yang pernah dilalui dahulu. Ketika itu, aku hanya berdiam diri dan menunggu keadaan pulih seperti biasa. Malangnya, tiada apa yang berubah. Sudah tiada jodoh mungkin. Aku tidak mempunyai apa2 kuasa untuk menghalang apa yang berlaku. Sama seperti situasi sekarang, hanya menanti apa yang berlaku, berdiam diri dan pasrah. Aku yang selalu berfikiran, tiada apa yang layak untuk aku. Aku hanya manusia yang hina dan kerdil. Tiada apa yang dapat aku lakukan untuk menuntut bela hak aku, meminta agar keadaan pulih seperti sediakala. Ibarat bermimpi di siang hari. Dia. Yang seringkali kukeliru dengan tingkahlaku, fikiran dan apa saja. Dia yang sering berpesan, ‘belajarlah memahami orang lain’. Bila aku bertanyakan, ‘aku ni tidak cuba memahami orang lain ke?’. Jawapannya, hanya berdiam dan tersenyum memandangku. Dia. Yang semakin kurasakn kehilangannya apabila tingkahlakunya semakin belainan dari sediakala. Dahulu, walaupun jam berdetik pukul 1, dia tetap menanti aku membalas pesanan ringkas darinya. Tapi kini, alasannya pukul 1, tidak mahu menganggu aku kerana esok aku bekerja. Sebelum ni, aku juga bekerja, rutin yang sama tetapi mengapa berubah. Sudah tawar hati mungkin. Dulu, dia yang selalu berpesan, bangun tidur, balaslah apa2 mesej yang dia hantarkan ketika aku tidur, jangan ‘ignore’kn je. Kini, dia yang sebegitu. Mengertilah aku perasaannya dahulu bagaimana. Sejak pulangnya dia ke sana, semakin kerap dia menyepi. Mungkin sibuk dengan keadaan di sana, fikir aku untuk menyelesakan hati sendiri. Terkadang bangun malam, aku berfikir tentangnya seketika sebelum terlelap kembali. Bodohnya aku, patutnya aku bertahajud, memohon keampunan atas dosa2 aku yang berlambak itu. Dalam keterpaksaan, aku cuba, cuba mengikut rentaknya. Dia berdiam, aku turut berdiam untuk mengerti dan memerhati apa yang terjadi. Walaupun apa yang terjadi, aku serahkan pada Tuhanku. Dia yang lebih mengetahui. Walaupun pedih dan sakit kemudian hari, aku terima. Kifarah buat dosa2ku. Semaga dia dalam lindungan Mu ya Allah. Jika hatinya pada yang lain, Kau titipkanlah insan yang baik buatnya. Aamiin. Saya sayang awak.


~ Opssss, termengarut sudeyyy~

Sunday, April 13, 2014


“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. If you are not in a relationship now, remember this for the second (or third) time around. It's never too late.

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

copied from PinoyRapRadio~

Kerana cinta yang salah~

Kerana cinta yang salah, berapa ramai yang telah terlanjur?

Sama ada ringan-ringan atau berat-berat. Dosa tetaplah dosa. Sama ada ianya dosa dari titik hitam di hati atau zina mata, tangan dan hati. Dosa tetap dah tercatat dalam buku amalan diri.
Persoalannya, adakah kita boleh melabel seseorang yang telah buat dosa seperti ini sebagai barang second hand. Barangan terpakai? Ya lah, sudah disentuh, sudah diraba, sudah dipegang-pegang, sudah dicium dipeluk dan apa-apa saja lagi. Si pelaku (lelaki) yang rosakkan juga adalah cap ayam. Murahan dan tiada maruah. Begitu jua dengan yang diperlakukan dan merelakan (perempuan). Tiada cop dikenakan pada hanya sebelah pihak. Kedua-duanya sekali bersalah dalam hal ini.

Adakah aku barangan terpakai?
Ya. Jika tidak bertaubat.
Jika sudah bertaubat?
Jika sudah taubat Nasuha (bersungguh-sungguh insaf tiada lagi siaran ulangan dosa), maka tiada lagi label barangan terpakai atau buangan. Bahkan kamu adalah bidadara dan bidadari dunia akhirat kembali. Suci seperti bayi. Macam baru keluar dari kilang. Fresh. Tanpa dosa dan noda.

-copy  from { Bercinta Selepas Nikah }

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Final Year Student

E.N.D OF 7th S.E.M.E.S.T.E.R~

yoeyy..end of 7th semester,so tgl 1 sem je lg nak habiskn zaman2 gediks brsame non2 sekalian...
Alhamdulillah, xsangka blh sampai ke tahap ni skrg..msh trase bgai mimpi2 d'siang hari..hihihi~
thanks to ex-rumate, current rumate, labmate, kosmate, groupmate n mate2..
hmmm...hari baru rse masuk sini..duk sibuk2 kemas brg lepas daftar course ..
now,tinggal one more sem to go..nnt kemas brg again n xde daftar2 da..
hopefully, soon engineer sha Allah..hihi

so,sepanjang 4 tahun ni, mcm2 da kenangan n pengalaman yg ditempuhi..setiap yg berlaku ade hikmahnye..setiap pertemuan pasti diakhiri dgn perpisahan..sobsobsob..

1st year

here we are..tyme 1st year dlu..mse ni ade industrial visit kat PTP ..sume muke2 innocent, skema, baik2 je..hahahah

2nd year

ni lak mase kat jepun (GOP- global outreach programme)..tyme ni sume da brubah cket demi cket..ade yg da stylo,ade yg da makin ayu,xkurang gak, yang kul n lek je..steady same cam dolu2~

3rd year

utk 3rd year, dis is bbq session~~ whee!! sponsored by dr.amri..huhuhu

4th year

baru2 ni, we'ol attend dr.khairul punye wedding..sume da semakin kacak brgaye n cun2..kui3..
thanks to dr.khairul n husband sebab sudi jemput kiteorg..huhu..nasi die mmg sedap..rugi xamek byk hari tu..wuah3

last but not least, SEI utm (10-14) (Bachelor of Electrical Engineering - Control & Instrumentation) , i love u~xoxo

Monday, January 13, 2014

Kempunan di malam hari xtau da nak ucap selamat malam ke selamat pagi~huhu

jarang beno aku nak tido lewat ni..selalunye jarum jam tu nak cucuk nombor 12 tu, aku dulu yang merangkak2 cri katil..hehe..malam ni je tido lambat..padahal plan nak study, tapi plan berubah kpd agenda lain..

agenda lain tu~ chatting ngan 'die' la... emm..sambil chat2 ngn die tu..shikin lak timbul kat chat tu..bagi aku mende ni..

ohoii cik shikin, die mmg sengaja nak membangkitkn kelaparan aku.... da la sebelum ni aku ade cite kat die yang tringin nak pekene ke-ep-c ..mane nak dapat pagi2 bute (3 pg) kfc ni..da la tyme ni senang2 je perut aku nak berirama senandung malam...

tak habis ngan yang tu,shikin ni memang sengaje pon rse nye..die bagi lagi 1 pic yang meng'up'kan lagi slere nak makan ayam ni~

ni pon sodappppp~ tapi aku lagi suke chezzy wedge$$$..hehe...waduh3...ngan chesse nye yg cair tu..arghhhh...buat aku imagine sorg2 je shikin ni..padahal die sedap je tido..tgl aku je kelaparan..
hurmm... bile nak dpt  mkn kfc,mcm xkene je...nyummm,nyummm..onomnomnooooooommm..

esok la pekene kfc ni..da naik kempunan je nak makan chezzy wedges..semoge malam ni mimpi dapat mkn kfc sedih je,mintak mimpi camtu..hewhewhew(blaja dr deli suke ni)hehe..

k la..gud nyte n have a nice dreammmmmmmmm

Saturday, November 30, 2013

With Special Thoughts of You

ohahyohgohzaeyemas..konnichiwa..moshi moshi..(feeling2 jepun cket)..kui3, i'm done wif tecs..yesss!!..da lepas 1 pkare yg duk serabut dlm kpale ni..
tapi byk lg yg duk menanti.. fyp > capstone project > transducer project > management project > ethics project..blurrrrrrrr~ sume dok tggu mse je nk nk siapkan tu..hmphhhh...

dlm dok serabut2 ni..tibe2 dtg lg something yg bermain2 kat kepala n i think it always up in my mind.. was you N.. F...... A.....!!

so, lets me story morry cket bout you..
die anak ke-2 dr 5 bradik, seorg yg tenang,cool n rileks tp sensitif..mungkin ade ketika nye sorang yg pendiam (not so sure about dis), blood type : AB.. "you are mysterious, never selfish and get interested in things easily. You also popular among your frens but you can act stupid at times and forget things easily. You go for person that's trustworthy". Ini description dr tarikh lahir die (27th March)..hurmm..quite true..

tapi ape yg aku suke pasal die...sbb aku rase die kenal aku ni mcm mane, perangai aku yg ntah pape,dgn keras kpale nye, mcm2 laa..hehe..then aku suke bile tyme die bg nasihat n teguran... dr situ aku rase, die ni lain dr yg aku kenal sebelum ni..setiap word yg die bgtau buat aku berfikir balik n sedar mengenai sesuatu pkare tu.. let say, bile aku pk siyess ttg suatu pkare tu, for example about relationship, die akn ckp ' jodoh tu rahsie Allah, blh jd kwn dgn org lain, bercinta dgn org lain n kahwin pun dgn org lain'.. dr situ,aku kembali berfikir, jgn trlalu mengharap pd manusia, kite xtau ape yg mungkin akn trjadi.. ni la yg slalu aku fikir ble die ckp camtu, tp dlm pade tu, aku juga berharap die adalah yg terakhir bgku..hehehe..tu hanye harapan aku je..aku pun xtau knp aku blh suke die, tapi yg aku realize aku suke die xsame dgn aku suke org lain sblum ni..tapi ade kalenye, aku rase cam aku je suke die..errr..emm..xtau..hehe..but me..myself..bile aku suke someone tu, aku lebih suke keep inside my heart,so no one will know, hanya Allah je tau camne perasaan aku kat org tu because Allah know the best n aku xperlu risau ape2 sebab serahkan sume pd-Nya.

sampai disini saje la untuk kali ni ♥♥

As salam

Saturday, November 23, 2013



kebosanan tahap gaban....
nak call ke x..nak call ke x..nak call ke x..
kalu call, xtau nak cakap ape..
kalu xcall, x dengar suare die..
emm..pape je la..berbolok serok..

dlm duk cari2 pic bosan ni..
aku ade trjumpa satu qoute ni~

Perfect is boring, human is beautiful~
by Tyra Banks

Human are not perfect..
that's why la nobody perfect..
amende ntah yg aku mengarut ni..
kalau semua orang perfect..
tiada la rencah kehidupan, tiada la 'ragam' manusia..
bende tu semua la yg mencorakkan warne2 kehidupan..
dan disebabkan 'ragam' atau 'peel' tu juga la, kita dpt blajar pasal kehidupan dan ambik pengajaran dr stiap yg terjadi~
so, just be yourself, no need to be perfect..

*point atas pasal call tu, tak synchronize pon dgn point bwh pasal perfect ni..
disebabkan bosan, aku terus menerus mengarut yg bukan2..haish..